Posted by: thebestthingscomeintwos | May 4, 2009

Can’t. Stop. Eating.

I am so HUNGRY!  I eat way way more now that I ever did when I was pregnant.  Of course, the first six months I threw everything up and the last three my stomach was constricted to the size of a pea.   Nonetheless, I thought I would return to my normal diet by now.  Well, my normal diet plus a couple hundred extra calories to produce milk.  Wrong.   I could eat seven full meals a day and I would probably still want snacks.  I am starving all the time.  I eat a nice big dinner and 3o minutes later… super hungry.  I know I have to eat extra for the boys but jeeze oh man– I am a human garbage disposal! 

Which brings me to my next issue:  my postpartum body.   People constantly ask me about it.   A complete stranger in a shopping mall once asked to see my c-section scar.  Incredible.  I would never ask someone that!   I understand however, that post baby bellies are a thing of curiosity, and I’m certainly not trying to impress anyone, so I’ll share with you all about mine.  

I am 5lbs, under (yes under), my pre-baby weight.  You might be thinking yea, woohoo, good for you!  Don’t.   My body is just not the same.   Now, I expected the scar and the stretch marks.  I did not however, expect the re-proportioning(is that a word?).   My shirts are waaay too tight in the belly area.  I can pull on all my pants while they are zipped and buttoned–they fall right off me.   My thighs are huge.  My boobs are giant, which is a nice change from my barely B’s but they just don’t work with any of my shirts!  In short, nothing fits.  I do not have a single piece of clothing that I can put on that makes me feel pretty or sexy.   Some days, it would be nice to feel attractive again.

Here’s the thing though, complain as I might, its totally worth it.  I don’t mind the fact that I will never wear a bikini again.  I could care less that I am more muffin-top than 8 minute abs.   I have two beautiful baby boys.   They bring me more joy every single minute than exposing my mid-drift ever could. 

My C-section scar is another issue entirely.   For the first few weeks, I cried every time I looked at it.  Actual tears flowed from my eyes.  I was devastated.   Not devastated because I had a permanent mark on my body, but angry, because to me that scar represented failure.   I really wanted to have my babies vaginally.  I wanted to say I delivered them myself.   I wanted to be the first person besides the doctor who got to hold them.   The worst part was, in the end, I chose–chose to have a C-section.  Every time I looked at that scar, I felt like I failed myself and failed my babies, before they were even born. 

As the weeks went by, however, my feelings changed.  I have played out that day over and over again in my head.  The induction, the 18 hours of throwing up in a basin, the epidural not taking, the monitor that kept beeping frantically because my pulse was through the roof.  I really believe that a vaginal birth would have brought problems to my perfect little boys.   Something inside me knew that it was time to get them out.   I know in my heart that I did what was best for them.  It was not the birth I wanted, the one I dreamed about, but now, when I look at my scar, I feel something entirely different– I feel pride.   I was sliced open inside and out to get my little men here.  I can look at that scar everyday and remember the first time I layed eyes on them.   I realize now that it doesn’t matter how they got here.  It matters that they are here.  They are here and they are perfect– and I have the scar to prove it. 

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Responses

  1. Hey! I think your belly looks FABULOUS for having twins in there less than 6 months ago! But I totally know what you are talking about. My body will never be the same. I have strech marks all over my stomach and I still have a pooch. And even though I weigh what I did when I got married over 4 years ago…Nope, it will never be the same. You are dealing with it much better than I am though! I resent those icky strech marks sometimes. And I definitely don’t feel sexy…and clothes don’t fit the same….
    Oh listen to me complain! But Yes, my girls ARE worth it 🙂 It’s amazing what our bodies have done! Definitely something to be proud of!


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